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Today Was Depressing [Jan. 22nd, 2008|09:26 pm]
Hug it out, bitch!
[Current Music |Voxtrot - Kid Gloves]

I set my alarm for 10:00 because I wanted to train my body to wake up earlier in a gradual way. My counselor's receptionist called me at 8:30 and woke me up to cancel my 4th appointment in a row, or course. Then I couldn't get back to sleep because my neighbor's baby was screaming. It basically sounds like they leave the baby in a high chair all day or they hold it over a huge pot of boiling water. It's that type of terrifying screaming. I feel really sorry for it and it should probably be placed in social services than living in a fucking college dorm. As if all that doesn't make for a disappointing day, I did not get the paper topic I wanted for my art history class. Also upon leaving the art building today I almost got ran over by a speeding jeep. I come home a little freaked out, so I read the Bible for awhile, just because it's a normal thing I do, not because I had a near death experience. Then I find out Heath Ledger died from a possible drug overdose. Heath Ledger is the shit so I was really bummed out in the same way I was when I found out Owen Wilson attempted suicide. All the news stories I read made me remember when that happened and how I decided to get professional help for my own problems. Heath Ledger's death makes me think that there's nothing we can really do about the mental state we are in. Maybe we are all slaves to our brains? I know that I'm definitely a slave to my brain chemistry. Now I'm beginning to realize that being on anti-depressants isn't such a bad idea after all. I almost shared a death day with a famous person. I almost got ran over by a speeding car minutes, maybe seconds, before Heath Ledger died. Why him and not me? It just makes things feel a whole lot more hopeless. When that jeep almost hit me, nothing flashed before my eyes. I realized the severity of my circumstances - that I'm not even living anyway so what is my life worth? To be honest my life is really worth nothing because I don't really do anything. All I do is school, work, read, and spend time with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is my only link to normalcy. I don't foresee myself having anything resembling a life anytime soon. Maybe it just comes from being a grad student. Is that normal? 
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I am so pissed off I could shit! [Jan. 16th, 2008|11:19 pm]
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My counselor keeps canceling all my appointments. I have anxiety so bad I can't even function. How am I ever going to be able to deal with it if I can never speak to my "professional" about it. I really wanted to start my first week of school out right and try to work out my problems. I already have to turn in my first assignment tomorrow and I'm a nervous fucking wreck. It's not even a serious assignment, it's just a fun assignment. Do I have fun? Hell no! No time for me is a good time because I always find something to worry about or stress over. Do I need help? Hell yes I do.

What you pay for is what you get and my counseling is free because I'm a student, so there ya go...
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Something Sad [Jan. 8th, 2008|03:31 pm]
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I watch a lot of communites mostly based around art or fashion and someone's comment really got to me. They said they were in their last semester of grad school and they weren't looking forward to it.

Does anyone actually enjoy grad school? Anyone?

I remember my first semester. Even though I was the only one from an outside undergrad program, everyone was nice and friendly and easy to work with. Of course I was miserable the whole time, so I ended up really distancing myself from my program. I hadn't made and real friends so it's not like it made a real difference to others in the same program. A year goes by and all the grad students flat out stop talking to me/pretend i don't exist. Then I figure it out...We all stop talking to each other/Pretend we all don't exist. During class a professor asked a grad student where another grad student was. I thought they were best friends. The guy said "I don't know where he is. I don't really talk to him much." During a critique the same guy talks about how much he hates school and it makes him burnt out. He was describing it as though he was reading my mind even though I had barely talked to him ever since we worked together 6 months prior.

My question is why do we do this to ourselves? we're all miserable. we all hate our lives. we're consumed with our work and can't do the things we want to do. when we do things we want to do, we feel guilty for not working. socializing is painful because we can't stop worrying if our projects will turn out or be done in time. it's hard to give the people you love the attention you think they deserve when you have multiple deadlines looming over you. It seems best to cut everyone off until winter or summer break.

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Bored [Jan. 7th, 2008|10:51 pm]
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My life is so painfully ordinary. I'm 23 and I live the life of a 65 year old. All I do is work at an old lady's clothing store or read or watch movies with my boyfriend. Sometimes I shop. So boring.

That's all I had to say. I think tomorrow I'm going to take pics of some outfits out of boredom and maybe figure out how to fix my fucked up haircut. After I finish reading all the books that I have that I haven't read yet, I'm going to force myself to stop reading for awhile. I get really over verbose in social situations and just generally awkward because I guess I always try to think of how to say things poetically or make grand statements.

Everything is so routine but I almost always love routine. This is definitely bad routine though. God damn!
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I'll update a little [Dec. 28th, 2007|06:29 pm]
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I haven't posted on here for awhile. I had this as one of my goals on 43 things (to blog daily). Maybe I'll gradually get to finishing this goal.

A few updates:
1. I rocked my mid-program review (I think)
2. I rocked my finals and got really good grades for the semester (3.667!)
3. I'm applying for a job at my school as a Digital Media Coordinator
4. I only have 2 classes left and an exhibit and I'm through with grad school

Other than that it's the same old... I freakin hate my retail job. Holy crap! It's so bad. That's why I'm looking for real jobs to apply to. I really hope I get an interview for the job I just applied for. I'm a little worried about my references not being very good, or not really wanting me to use them as references or saying bad things about me, but whatever...
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Shoes [Nov. 13th, 2007|07:48 pm]
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[Current Music |Nico]

I got my shoes from Wet Seal today. Umm...they're a little difficult because I never wear heels. The ankle boots are 3 inches and the pumps are made like wedges with a little heel, so it's about 4 inches. I'm thinking of sending the pumps back. They're just painful to look at. I can't wait to get my Target stuff in. I'm pissed because my store started selling tights right after I ordered them from Target, so I could have had the ones from my store for cheaper.

Anyway, I have to pull an all nighter tonight. For real this time, because I have a drawing critique tomorrow and I failed the last one miserably. I constructed a studio within my studio apartment. It's behind my front door in my "foyer."

Tonight is going to suck so bad. I have therapy in the morning too. I decided that I might as well seek a diagnosis, at least an unofficial one, since it's free. That's what my mom thought anyway. I'm going to drink a gallon of Nyquil before my critique so nothing will get to me. Ughh...wish me luck!
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Google Image Survey - Fun [Nov. 12th, 2007|10:24 pm]
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Found on some random journal:

- go to Google Images
- search for your answer
- pick one image from the first page
- post

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Country roads...take me home... [Nov. 8th, 2007|02:21 pm]
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I'm at my parents' house right now, which always makes me feel better about whatever kind of crappy week I've had. Which is every week. I can't wait to talk to my counselor on Monday. I think it will make me feel better to talk to someone. But yeah, still failing at school and currently wishing I had the option of getting my masters' in art history instead. Maybe someday I'll get to work somewhere cool like the Smithsonian. Or better yet, I could get a graphic design job with an art museum. I personally prefer museums to galleries because I like really old stuff. I don't know why I'm talking about this. Maybe my old obsession with art history is waking up again, which would be wonderful. One of my goals on "43 Things" is to appreciate art again. Maybe I'll start doing better at my studio art stuff if I actually start liking art again. Who knows?

I found a really cool article called "How to be Interesting." It was, well, interesting. A lot of the ideas on there are stuff I already do, but some of them I had never thought of before. I'll just post the list and the link to the full article.


1. Take at least one picture everyday. Post it to flickr.
2. Start a blog. Write at least one sentence every week.
3. Keep a scrapbook
4. Every week, read a magazine you’ve never read before
5. Once a month interview someone for 20 minutes, work out how to make them interesting. Podcast it.
6. Collect something
7. Once a week sit in a coffee-shop or cafe for an hour and listen to other people’s conversations. Take notes. Blog about it. (Carefully)
8. Every month write 50 words about one piece of visual art, one piece of writing, one piece of music and one piece of film or TV. Do other art forms if you can. Blog about it
9. Make something
10. Read

I just think it's a neat way to be a little more better socially, I guess. I'll have to try all of these things. At least it helps broaden your knowledge a little. There's nothing wrong with that.
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It's really strange how re-doing your lj layout can make you feel better about life. [Nov. 6th, 2007|09:11 pm]
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[Tags|, , ]
[Current Music |I've been listening to Tegan & Sara's newest lately]

I can't stop sleeping. I drank half a nasty frappachino (mocha peppermint :P) and took a Zantrax. I just take them as caffeine pills, not as diet pills. Anyway, I sleep over 14 a hours a day. I have no idea why. About a month ago I couldn't sleep more than four hours a night.

Anyway, I made an assload of purchases yesterday (online). I get afraid that everyone will like what I like and things will run out so I buy things online so I can make sure I get it.

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Lifelong To-Do List [Oct. 30th, 2007|07:25 pm]
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[Current Music |M.I.A. - Boyz]

I'm going to turn this entry into a memory because I would like to have a memory, lol. This is my life-long to-do list. It's going to be as long as I want it to be and I'll edit it as many times as I want. These are in no specific order.

1. Finish my website
2. Finish all my drawings for drawing class
3. Get decent grades
4. Create a portfolio
5. Be ready for mid program review
6. Celebrate Diwali
7. Have fun on Halloween (tomorrow)
8. Save money
9. Buy my bf's Christmas presents
10. Go to India
11. See Across the Universe
12. Read every book I own before buying any new books
13. Learn Japanese
14. Go to Japan
15. Get my master's degree
16. Buy the new Britney Spears cd
17. Move to New York City
18. Freelance
19. Get Manolo Blahniks
20. Find a fun class to take
21. Learn HTML and mySQL
22. Learn Maya
23. Vote
24. Make Tiramisu
25. Learn how to make vegetarian sushi
26. Make a Bento lunch
27. Get married in Paris
28. Be a graphic designer or web designer
29. Have a house
30. Get a scottie dog
31. Have a pet bunny
32. Do yoga every day
33. Get a WWII motorcycle
34. Get a real job if/after I graduate
35. Get over my faults
36. Meditate regularly
37. Become vegan
38. Learn the Napoleon Dynamite dance
39. Learn the Thriller dance
40. Read Anna Karenina
41. Eat pot brownies in Amsterdam
42. Be better at math
43. Solve a rubicks cube
44. Rip a phonebook in half
45. Win a fight
46. Have super long hair
47. Get a Burberry purse
48. Get a record collection
49. Get an idea for my Master's thesis
50. Be a good girlfriend
51. Weigh 120 pounds
52. Watch every movie on the IMDB top 250 list
53. Learn to appreciate art again
54. Find the perfect bra
55. Have better posture
56. Drink more water
57. Be more green
58. Expand my vocabulary
59. Learn how to repair computers
60. Be fabulous 24/7
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